How Women “Test” Men Online – How To Pass

By Dave M.




Discuss 25

Hey – hope you’re doing awesome.

I’ve been teaching men how to become more successful with meeting women online for several years now… and one “problem scenario” just keeps coming up OVER AND OVER… and OVER and OVER and OVER again…

…and it really amazes me.

A question I get asked over and over again is:

“I’ve been emailing with this hot chick, I asked her for her number and she replied wanting me to chat on IM… What do I do?”

If you’ve ever asked yourself this question or run into this “problem scenario” online, then you’re going to want to pay VERY close attention to this blog post.

Does This Situation Sound Familiar?

You’ve got your online dating profile up on one of the many dating sites, you’re looking for and emailing women you might be interested in…. you write what you THINK are good emails based on what you just read in the woman’s profile… and… you even get some women to respond to your emails.

You email back and forth, eventually its time to ask for the digits… and thats when she gives you the email version of a “cockblock” ….


Her email usually goes something like this:

“Do you have IM? lets talk on IM before talking on the phone”


So, what do you do? Well, instead of giving you her number, so you can talk on the phone and meet in person, you give her your IM screen name, cross your fingers and take your chances.

Has something like THIS ever happened to YOU?

C’mon, seriously…

If it sounds familiar, I’m not surprised… because this very same thing USED TO happen to me several *hundred* times… and to almost every guy I know.

So why is this happening?

Well, there are a few reasons… But I would venture to say that the NUMBER ONE reason is this: Most guys go into meeting women online without a PROVEN plan for success and when they’re thrown a curve ball, they have no clue how to react.

Meeting women online without a plan is like trying to drive to New York from California without a map… you’re SURE to get lost somewhere along the way.

And developing a PROVEN plan on your own can take YEARS of trial, error, and screw ups before you finally put the pieces together and figure out what actually works.

It took me a LONG time to really “get” this.

Do you know what the main difference is between guys who are great with women online… and guys who get REJECTED?

It’s actually pretty simple.

Guys who are good with women online know how to do just ONE THING that almost ALL other guys DO NOT know how to do…

They know how to SPARK ATTRACTION in a woman FAST.

They don’t end up with women asking them to chat on IM often and when they do, they know exactly how to deal with it.

Well fortunately, in a moment I’ll reveal how you can overcome the dreaded “Let’s talk on IM” test.

Whats interesting is that 99% of the time, it’s the women who want to chat vs. talking on the phone.

You’ll NEVER hear a guy want to chat on IM, we usually want to move things to the phone. Unfortunately, some women out there are a big apprehensive about giving their numbers out online (why are they on a dating site then?) and use this TEST on men.

Listen to me on this one:

DO NOT BE FOOLED By The Dreaded “IM Test”

You’ve gotta understand that women are going to test you in variety of subtle ways — it’s their way of seeing what you’re made of, to see if you’re for real, fake or a wuss.

In bars and clubs women have ways of testing men (as I’m sure you’ve already experienced) and online women have ways of testing men as well.

And wanting to chat online vs. talking on the phone is a common TEST women use.

My thinking is that most women that are REALLY interested in you are NOT going to put up much resistance to giving your their number, they just give it to you, it’s not a big deal.

Other women test you by wanting to chat vs. talking on the phone and guess what?

Most guys fall flat on their faces and fail this one miserably.


This might be something you are having issues dealing with RIGHT NOW and not know how to overcome it.

What *IS* awesome is I’m going to show you a REAL email exchange I recently had with a woman on one of the dating sites.

The reason I’m showing you this is because you’ll get to SEE EXACTLY how I dealt with her “test” and more importantly, how I overcame it so you can COPY it immediately.

Ok, so lemme give you a quick “heads up” on the woman I was emailing with… she’s pretty attractive, seemed to have her act together and I thought she might be cool to get to know better. She replied to my initial email, I sent her my standard SECOND email  (the one I use to get the digits.)

Keep reading, because this gets interesting…


HER: Dave, Let’s chat first on IM ok? How can we chat?

(At this point most guys will give her their screen name – GAME OVER)

ME: Sorry, I dont have any IM’s… Not sure what to tell ya.
I guess you’ll need to think of another way for us to talk. 🙂

HER: ok. You won. xxx-xxx-xxxx Christine

This is part of a REAL email exchange.

So think about this for a second… I went from her testing me with the usual BS – to her giving in just by adding in 1 line into my response INSTEAD OF giving her my IM screen name.

Not bad. Sometimes you hit a winner!

Hey, let’s be honest here:

I know you’re kinda lazy.  It’s OK because I’m kinda lazy too.

So I got an idea, maybe we can work this thing out… I’ve gone and WRITTEN the email for you… Just copy and paste it into whatever magical dating site you use and hit send.


Sorry, I dont have any IM’s… Not sure what to tell ya. I guess you’ll need to think of another way for us to talk. 🙂

—–  end  —–

Pretty simple, right?

Alright, so there it is.

Basically, send that to women testing you and get their phone numbers.

Hell, I even WROTE IT FOR YOU!



Well, it’s simple. Most guys don’t GET IT.

What do most guys do? They give the woman their screen name HOPING it’s going to get them somewhere with her. What they don’t realize is they’re STUCK because they’ve given up their power, by following what the woman wants, and failing the test.

And guess what?

There’s a word women have for this type of guy:

That word is WUSSY.


If all that wasn’t bad enough…

After telling her your whole life story via IM over the course of 84, 1 hour chats, not only does she know everything about you, but you’ve removed all the mystery and as a result she won’t meet you, or if she does, the first meetings don’t go to well and you never see them again.

It happens all the time.

What amazes me is guys turn internet dating, which is supposed to be a time saver, into a huge time waster.

Now let’s think for a moment about what could be going on here when she does the IM thing:

– She might not really THAT interested

– She might not be flexible… she’s too structured. (i.e. a rules girl)

– She might be testing you

If a woman isn’t really that interested in you do you REALLY want her?

Probably not. But this is something most guys struggle with. They act like the woman they are talking to is the last woman in the world, so much so they place SO MUCH value on her, she knows you’re chasing after her. Back in the day we’d call this “ONEITIS” and this was a sure sign of the guy being an AFC (average frustrated chump).

There are tens of MILLIONS of single, attractive and available women out there, who are LOOKING for a guy like you. Why worry about any one in particular?

If she’s not flexible, why would you want to be with her? She’s probably not really that much fun. Then what?

If a woman doesn’t meet your criteria, forget about it.

It doesn’t matter.

Go to the next one. There are plenty.

Back to that example.

What I did was not give her any way out.

Essentially I Gave Her 2 Choices:

1. Talk on the phone

2. NOT to talk on the phone.

Either way I win.

I don’t place too much value on meeting one particular woman.  If I meet her, great…. if not? thats great too.

Adopting this mindset takes time, it’s a new habit which takes time to internalize.

This is the mindset you should start applying daily. Doing this allows you to focus on the process rather on any individual woman and get all caught up in her.

Now if a woman wants to chat online, you can tell her you either don’t have the time or the programs to chat and let her offer the next step.

This is a simple way to overcome this common test women use, and more often than not don’t be surprised if she offers you her number.


When you do call her, more than likely, she’s going to be VERY interested in talking to you (instead of the other clowns that are messaging her) because she knows she’s not talking to a wuss. She knows she tested you and you overcame it. You conveyed confidence which is the #1 thing which attracts women.

I’d love to hear your comments below… and maybe some of your own stuff that works.

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25 Comments to How Women “Test” Men Online – How To Pass

  1. Great post Dave. It is all about MINDSET. I have had many women tell me that they typically just e-mail or IM, but for some reason, I am the first person or one of very few that she has met for a drink.

    Comment by Martin — @ 2:05 PM

  2. Great stuff again Dave and I agree with Martin but this is one great example which falls under the name of frame control (or mindset).

    alternately you can file this IM nonsense under the rubric of proactively giving her the potential to disqualify you. Its one of the moves that doesn’t help you at all, but potentially harms your chances with her. By declining the IM’ing it also lays down a boundary with her by saying “no” to her in a reasonable, funny, and confident way, which actually improves your position, as she just didn’t manipulate you into to doing what she wanted, as most guys will do as they cave in to a hot chick.

    One more example of a similar idea that has always worked for me so, and it should look familiar to you: You have a date confirmed with hot internet chick. At the last moment she will request more pictures of you. Same issue: the answer is “No.” I respond that I don’t have any more pictures but my mom says im handsome so be assured. Again, the idea is that by sending more pictures it does nothing to help your chances it can only hurt you, even if your Brad Pitt; after all shes already committed to the date. Ive never had a girl back out after I’ve given this witty response.

    Comment by detox — @ 2:30 PM

  3. I will be sure to try this but one problem I find is I am able to meet women, things go great, we go on multiple dates, there’s lots of talking, laughter and fun when were together. Things are great and she seems to be feeling the same way from what I can tell but no she has not verbally said anything. The problem is after seeing each other like 6-7 times I find that the women is using pof again and talking to other guys? Like yes they are free to do what they want but after the 6th-7th date you think they would have any idea if there interested in you or what they want and if there something worth getting serious about and not make it seem like there’s no hope so there fishing for backups and they always hid the fact that there back on there. What do I do?

    Comment by Kyle — @ 4:27 PM

  4. Kyle,

    I wont preempt what Dave has to say if he responds but this is really a no brainier – no offense. Your talking 6-7 dates? Bro! If your not hooking it up by the 2nd to 3rd date your firmly ensconced in the firends zone, so you have effectively built a ton of rapport but failed at finalizing attraction with physical intent. Assuming your not super virgin or religious you need to get physical earlier then the 3rd date. Three usually my limit. If you havnt consummated the relationship by the 3rd date, assuming you live in North America, and you arnt dating a Mormon, she isn’t taking you seriously as a lover. So of course shes going to look around and flirt with other men, your just a friend at this point after all.

    Comment by detox — @ 11:54 PM

  5. I love your concept! I have been meeting women online for the longest while, by being cocky and funny. It don’t seems to make much sense but it work like a charm! And shockingly am not good looking skinny and amazing with women. If this can work for me, it can work for anyone. Keep up the good work dave

    Comment by kevin — @ 4:55 AM

  6. This makes sense and I would not have guessed.

    When I’m busy, when I don’t have time to piss around with time-wasting stuff like the example, women do respond with more interest. Chasing her and falling for her every test (ie. hurdling her ‘roadblocks’) work AGAINST attraction.

    Thanks man.

    Comment by JayBraveman — @ 9:57 AM

  7. I did a test and added 2 women profiles online
    1 was bad looking other was hot.
    each had lots of emails from ANY sort of guys; bad boys till the goofy needy nerds.
    The only difference was that the hot one had 10 mails more in her box each week.

    well, the guy has to do EVERYTHING and she just sits there and picks from the 100 ants. sry “guys”.

    What kind of value will the 101th get?
    the dating (especially online) scene is just pathetic.

    Think about why there is no guide for women how to meet men. Noone would buy it.

    My advice is, dont keep feeding those online queens egos by writing them. If they want somethin let THEM write to YOU.
    But thats nearly impossible when you have 1000 of guys comming at you.

    Comment by Anthrax — @ 12:11 PM

  8. hey man, am not a good looking guy. however, i have been picking up women online for the longest while, consistently. how do i do it? the power of intrigued. Your info is great, i have been using these technique without realizing what i was doing, i thought this was normal until my friends say they sucks at online dating, of course these guys were way better looking than i am. So yes you are doing a fantastic job and keep it up!!!

    Comment by kev — @ 4:20 PM

  9. kyle…. 6-7 dates?

    dude, you’re probably doing things the ‘traditional’ way and its boring the shit outta her…. so she goes back and looks for other men.

    you should be hooking up with them within 2-4 dates… max.

    Maybe thats just me…. but if you’re going out with someone 6-7 times you should already be intimate with them ….

    SOMETHING you’re doing once you meet them is the culprit.

    Comment by Dave M. — @ 3:40 PM

  10. I’ve actually come across the I M scene. I’m kind of leary of a woman who wants to I M, in the first place, especially if the want the yahoo im or other. What’s wrong with the IM of the website. I’ll be glad to tell you what’s wrong with it. They believe the IM’s of the website is monitored or could be if needed to be, and they are right, of course. So, what do they do,just like the animal kingdom they seperate and isolate from the crowd and then move in for the kill, sorta speak, to get what they want and then move on.
    I don’t play their games. I used to be an investigator for a housing authority and have one simple rule, those who are really interested are more forth coming and available and ususally intiates the first contact while those who are merely “window shopping” maintain a profile and if you’re not close by and potentially wealthy, good luck with that.
    The bottom line is that women, even the not so attractive ones, think they can have any man they want because of stereotyping men as nothing more than a sex harmone driven species. Think about, why else does one see on most women’s profile, must not be seeking a sexual encounter or seeking honest, no drama, sincere man.
    So, I make it plain on my profiles that I’m not interested in rushing or moving into anything serious and give an apathetic attitude to any rejection that comes my way. I know that at some point the genuine article will come my way and there won’t be any question about it because the type of woman that I’m looking for is more important to me than the type of man they are looking for and this type of woman is very very hard to find.
    In otherwords, the woman who eventually does catch and keep my attention will know that she’s the only woman in the world for me and that means the world to every woman.

    Comment by Robert — @ 10:37 PM

  11. First off, great post Dave.

    Has anyone here encountered a similar problem where the conversation will go well until you ask for a phone number and then the girl will just not reply to you? Anyone got any working solutions to this one?

    Comment by Mal — @ 4:53 AM

  12. Mal…. sometimes she might have already met someone…. she might have gotten super busy at work or something….

    don’t think the worst…

    but if you’re seeing this pattern, then i’d look at what you’re doing up till that point…. could be part of the problem.

    hope that helped!

    Comment by Dave M. — @ 4:56 AM

  13. Great article Dave,

    Just responding to buddy… Dude 6-7 dates? Quit saving wasting your time and money on her man.

    If you’re not rollin’ in the hay by the 3rd date (at the very max) drop her.

    There are plenty of women that will.

    Don’t let women walk all over you like that.

    Once you are on that friend ladder you’re screwed.
    Stick with the persona you had in you’re profile.
    The persona that got her attracted to you.

    Don’t become like every other guy and give in to everything she says cause she will put you on
    Her friend ladder and then it’s game over.

    Be the man, you call the shots. Not her!

    Good luck with the next one.

    Comment by rudy — @ 5:07 AM

  14. So as an idea would doing something like waiting a week or so and then send a message similar to the no reply message saying she’s probably been really busy so thats why she’s not replied but imply she’s gone shy on me rather than playing hard to get as a possiblity as well?

    Comment by Mal — @ 5:15 AM

  15. I have a couple questions. Is texting considered the same as IM? What if she asks you for your number and wants to text before you call her?

    Comment by mark — @ 2:59 PM

  16. Dave – You Da Man!!!

    Similar ones I have seen:
    1) I don’t meet men I don’t know very well…
    2) I don’t like giving my number out, lets just talk for awhile
    3) ignore the request…then start emailing again….

    I have fallen for the beauty trap many times…and learned my lesson HARD.

    If she doesn’t give you the number she’s got options – she’s just not that into you – or she’s testing to see if you’re a boy or a man…..ya gotta amp it up like Dave says – let her know that her silly games are just annoying
    and you have options…

    Comment by Bill O — @ 12:26 PM

  17. One of the few things I’ve actually been doing right. I have success stories which are similar to yours. You are 100% right.


    Comment by Steve — @ 10:37 AM

  18. the biggest advantage you have initially is the air of mystery. Once you lose this, GAME OVER.

    When you’re IM’ing with a woman before you meet you’re giving her too much information. The goal is to meet in person, not have your first date on IM.

    keep that in mind.

    Comment by Dave M. — @ 12:30 PM

  19. i love that part where one should not stick to just one particular women especially if they are attractive and find the other one.But Is there any chances of her coming back if u really love her?

    Comment by archu — @ 7:02 AM

  20. Hi and thanks for all great advice!

    I recently wrote a girl and she replied showing a lot of interest.
    I also got her number without a problem. But as you will see, I am still a needy AFC, so I didn’t use the number, because she asked if I was on Facebook, and we became friends there. Immediately she was IM’ing me like crazy! For several days she wrote me every day, and I enjoyed it! We arranged a meeting, and had a scheduled one hour meeting that turned into three hours. We hugged hello and goodbye. That was all the touching that went on. I should mention that I actually have no problem talking to a woman. I’m witty, intelligent and confident. My sticking point is getting physical. At end of the meeting I told her that I liked her, and immediately started arranging a second date, which she willingly agreed to. (You don’t have to point out the countless mistakes I made here. I’m well aware of them.) My needyness has now resulted in a different pattern: She doesn’t contact me (she knows she doesn’t have to), but when I contact her she is very willing to talk. I actually think she is still interested. I could just use some advice on how to flip the tables again. How do I get back in control? Our next date is in three weeks (she has little time, because she has two kids who only see their father every other weekend).

    Comment by Don — @ 8:54 AM

  21. Men most women arent looking for a penpal they are looking for a man that can satisfy her mentally & sexually when you have mentally satisifed her not in a friend way then its time to do copulation its that simple if you dont then she ditches very quickly you have to know when to move fast or move slower women will give you signals just be in tune with them , they want to fuck just as bad as you .

    Comment by Tim — @ 11:03 PM

  22. Hi guys

    I responding to Mal here on his comment about emailing with girls who then don’t reply when you ask for their number. Here is something that has worked for me a couple of times when we have agreed to go for a drink, but they just stopped emailing when I asked for their number.

    (my understanding is that in the states its a lot more common to chat on the phone before meeting online dates but in the UK a lot of people normally just meet in person after emailing and texting on the phone)

    Here is what I said:

    “so what did I do..? haha. Was it because I made a comment about [playfully refer to something that may have offended her earlier in your conversation]? Anyway, this is the last message I’ll send you, so don’t worry, you won’t have an internet stalker 😀 but yeh, figured it’d be fun to meet up, so let me know if you still up for that drink”

    The girl normally is like “i’m soooo sorry. I was just really busy, etc etc. Glad you got back, and yes I am still up for that drink” and gives you her number. I think guys generally just need to sometimes be a bit more persistent (this doesn’t mean being needy) at online dating, as there is so much competition.

    Comment by Leroy — @ 8:01 PM

  23. I’m going to give this a try – IM is such a time waster.

    Women that I let waste my time are rarely worth it too – almost never get anywhere with them.

    Comment by Harry — @ 3:12 PM

  24. Sorry to say it: BULLSHIT!
    I myself offer IM for start and it works.

    Comment by Vladimir — @ 4:49 PM

  25. @ vlad… why so angry and hostile?

    Most guys don’t have hours to spend IM’ing a girl.

    Maybe you do.

    They already have a job.

    They don’t need a second.

    Plus …the more you IM with her, the less likely you are going to meet her and the less likely its going to go anywhere.

    You’re too available.

    Too needy.

    Not a challenge.

    So as a general rule, I teach guys not to use it.

    But hey, if its working for you, keep doing it. 🙂

    Comment by Dave M. — @ 5:37 PM

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